Drummer Jokes
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.

How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't
just be pushed in.
Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after
they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
None. They have a machine to do that.

Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the
stage!"

In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of
throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking
agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in
Iraq. The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take my
card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the
beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes." Ed hit up
everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took
several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and
the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way.  Ed arrived
in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in
pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw
a huge man with a beard -- wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up
at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed
gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile.
 "You're just in time -- I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the
market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment."
"But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?"
"No time--don't worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared.
 Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced
himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had
never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the
bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to
the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.

"Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we playing?"
 Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just
give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13."

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.

What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered
dulcimer?
A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of
prison.

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.

What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
"One, two, three, one, two, three..."
"Hey man, I just do sound."
One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it
with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to
bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb
fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the
rest of the band.

How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of
it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his
forehead.

Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
"Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such
a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be
playing the piano."

Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the
Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an
accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into
eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of
their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country &
Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky
Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz
musician...kill me now!"

Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.

A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that
you have cancer and you have only one more year to live."
The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire
year?"

What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course
it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.
 

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
Both suck when you plug them in.

How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None --  they just steal somebody else's light.

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.

What's the best thing to play on a guitar?
Solitaire.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.
One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead
guitarists who are hogging the light.

In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a
light source?
Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better
the old tubes were.

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the
lead singer noticed?

What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What's a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.

What's a accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
*       Violinist: 25 feet
*       Bad Violinist: 50 feet
*       Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
*       15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
*       Accordionist: 60 miles

Why is a string bass better than a cello?
The string bass burns longer.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The piano player can do it with his left hand.

How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
Pay for the pizza.

How many country bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, five, one, five, one, five ...

How do you rescue a drowning bass player?
Throw his amp in the water, too.
 

A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a
coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson,
the father asks, "So, what did you learn?" "Well, I learned the first
five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the
father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I
learned the first five notes on the A string." One week later, the son
comes home far later
than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey,
what happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to
my lesson; I had a gig!"

A tour manager comes across the guitarist and bass player fighting at the
side of the stage and pulls them apart asking what the problem was. "That
jerk detuned one of the strings on my bass", says the bass player, "And
we're on stage in five minutes." "So what's the problem?", asks the tour
manager. "He won't tell me which string it was he detuned", said the
Bassist.

An explorer was travelling through the wilds of deepest, darkest Africa
with a few native porters and guides. Far off in the distance, he hears
drums pounding. Well, the explorer is naturally concerned, so he consults
his guides. They reassure him, "There is nothing to worry about. When the
drums stop, it's time to worry." This didn't make him feel much better,
but he kept going. Gradually the drums got louder and he asked his guide
again. "When the drums stop, it's time to worry" was the response he got
again. Eventually the drums got so loud, the explorer would have sworn
that they were right next to him. Then all of a sudden, they stopped.
With a trembling voice, he asked his guide what would happen now. With an
equally trembling voice, the guide answered, "bass solo".

Why did the string bass player get angry at the timpanist?
Because the timpanist turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

Then there was the bass player who was so bad that even the section
noticed!!

How do you make a double bass sound in-tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

One day a community Orchestra was preparing to start rehearsing for the
upcoming Messiah performance. Just as the rehearsal was about to start,
the double bass player comes running in, apologizing for his tardiness.
The conductor asks, "Would you like some time to tune before we begin?"
The Bass player replies, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"

Q: How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
A: Pay for the pizza.
 

Q: Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
A: Even a virus has some pride.

Q. How do you tell if a bass player is actually dead?
A. Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic
clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).

Q: What's the first thing a bass player says when he knocks on
your door?
A: "Pizza!"

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1...5...1, 1...4...5...5...1.

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of bass players?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Q: What do you call 20 bass players skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.

Q: Why don't bass players play hide and seek?
A: Because no one will look for them.

Q: What are the three most difficult years in a bass players life?
A: Second grade.

THESE ARE ACTUAL ANSWERS FROM STUDENTS ON MUSIC EXAMS

The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and
shake him in rhythm.

Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they
sounded like because there are no known descendants.

Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the
Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and
Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing
without music it is called Acapulco.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and
the McCoys.

A harp is a nude piano.

The main trouble with a French Horn is that it is too tangled up.

An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.

The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a
pitchfork.

Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger slips in the middle of
playing a piece.

Refrain means don't do it.  A refrain in music is the part you'd better
not try to sing.

I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous or
her church music.

Henry Purcell was a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.

Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster
which he kept up in his attic.

Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.

Yogi Berra Explains Jazz Bass

Interviewer : Can you explain jazz bass?

Yogi: I can't, but I will. 90% of all jazz is half improvisation, even on bass. The other half is the part bass players play while others are playing something they never played with anyone who played that part. So if you play the wrong part, its right. If you play the right part, it might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too right, it's wrong.

Interviewer : I don't understand.

Yogi : Anyone who understands jazz bass knows that you can't understand it. It's too complicated. That's whats so simple about it.

Interviewer : Do you understand it?

Yogi : No. That's why I can explain it. If I understood it, I wouldn't know anything about it.

Interviewer : Are there any great jazz bass players alive today?

Yogi : No. All the great jazz bass players alive today are dead. Except for the ones that are still alive. But so many of them are dead, that the ones that are still alive are dying to be like the ones that are dead. Some would kill for it.

Interviewer : What is syncopation?

Yogi : That's when the note that you should hear now happens either before or after you hear it. In jazz, you don't hear notes when they happen because that would be some other type of music. Other types of music can be jazz, but only if they're the same as something different from those other kinds.

Interviewer : Now I really don't understand.

Yogi : I haven't taught you enough for you to not understand jazz bass that well.

Contributed by Diane E Walker, Bob Laubach and numerous others.

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